It’s hard to be a passenger for me

I’m just passing the days down here.  I can’t stand it here.  it’s like an endless stip mall.  I live about 12 miles outside of town.  on the side of a hill.  and every direction I look, for as far as I can see, there are more houses. about five miles is the most I can see, because of the hills, but even if I get in my car and drive, pretty much the whole state seems to be just more houses.  endlessly.  There are some places with farmland  but not much in comparision.

I’m actually hoping I get the job in havre montana,  It seems to be such a nicer town.  a small town, 10K people.  It’s in montana, which means it will be cold.  but since it does get cold, it means that the bildings will be buit with that in mind, I have a 1/8 inch gap between the bottom of my doors and the base plate.  So no loss there, plus for roughly what I’m paying in rent now on my apartment, I should be able to rent a house.  and it beats the hell out of a 400sq ft apartment in chulla vista.

But even a 400 sq ft apartment would be better than living here.

and they are predicting snow again this week, this will be the eight time it’s snowed since I’ve been here.

NP: jets to brazil, air traffic sontrol

and you’re tierd of traffic cops and the sun

So am i really considering moving to so cal?

i mean that’s everything that I though I was against, that’s the reason I moved to biringham. to get away from the endless car culture.  and the snow. to move somewhere I could walk to the store. any time of the year.

and as it turns out, I can, at least so far, but I’ll be pretty damm cold when I get there, (the temp had only been above fifty for about two weeks now) and I won’t be able to bring anything back, as the trees will rip the bags to sheads.

That’s my choices, go on the road/parking lot, or go through the trees.  I’ve tryed both, parking lot is much riskyer.

mean while in so cal, eric tells me he can walk to work.  no problem. takes him about twenty min.

So I am very temped.

but I don’t think I got the job.  I mean the interview went really really great, but I think they allready picked someone.  It sucks when you go to interviews and you can tell that they are just going through the motions, because they’ve already made up their mind… more so for this job, than for the ones with the IRS.

So anyone know anything about harve mt, or lorado tx? I’m up for job’s in those two places as well.

It’s sort of wierd, but I’m leaning more towards harve.  It’s an eastern mt town, but it’s got loads of outdoorys stuff to do, diring the three months of the year it isn’t freezing.

I don’t know what to do. I’m broad out of my mind here at work, the traffic drives me nuts. and the only choices are to go out and drivie in it again to get away from it.  altanta is only some 200 miles away, nashville, is some three hundred. moible is four hours away, that and the guff coast. the fliorida panhandle is also four hours away, baber motorsports park is in birmingham, and talladega is roughly and hour away.  (I watched talladega nights for the first time yesterday, mix in smokey and the bandit and you’ve got a pretty good idea of the culture down here. it’s a little bit depressing)  I can’t wait to get my car running so that I can actually go to these places.

I’d love to take a long weekend and go up to new york to see my grandmother. and then in june, I’m taking a week off to go back home.  assuming I still work here by that time. I did maybe 10 minutes worth of work on friday, and half of that was when I was suppost to be off.

A job where they think that if you are doing ten minuetes worth of work, if you do a good job that’s great?  I don’t know how much longer I’ll last….

One thing that scares me about cali, is how can I afford to live there, A studio for a grand a month? god damm.

NP 764-hero:  the way a leash feels

I can’t believe I chose the moutains every time you chose the sea

I wish I was happyer.

I know why I’m not, It’s because I moved 5 degrees colesr to the equator and it got cooler. really, the low temp today was something below 25.  the high in broomfield was 41, I think we did better here, but not by much.  it was far to cold for me to go out hiking with my dogs, But I’m not exactly sure why, I can understand that it was to cold for me to go biking, I’m ok wiht that, but going uphill, it felt a bit warm in my hoodie, When I turned back after 3-4 miles It felt really really cold. but, then as the sweat dried off of me, it turned out to be just a bit cold.  It was a nice trail  I found, the mtn biking trail in oak mtn park.

it’s not much of a biking trail, 17 miles, a good ride after work sort of ride, but far from a even half day ride… but a good walking trail if i should happen to get out there before 1 in the afternoon, and an execent running trail I would guess.  and besides, it’s all we’ve got.

but even when I got home, I was still frezing, mostly because I was stuch outside waiting for the tow truck to come get me, I had locked my keys in the car:( but even as the temp was in the 40′s it still felt really cold. And i’m not sure why.  could it be that I just gavce blood yesterday? maybe but I doubt it.

NP:In Medias Res,Los Campesinos

god damm it, I’m not talking about my heart like a tinfoil valentine

I don’t really know what to say here.

I was rasied to the standred  of  ”if you can’t say anythingnice, don’t say anything at all” 

but that’s nnot working for me.

my mom has contuined to get stupider and dumber as time goes on, and with the news that I won’t be living here any more, she seems to have speed up her schudule for dumbining.

she doesn’t belive in evolution anymore.  she still believes humans and apes are related, but now she’s saying things like maybe god made us first and then decided that aps should come from us?  which sounds like a logical argument till you reread it and “god desided that”.

I’m sorry but I don’t belive in a failible god, or one god at all. there is just to much eveidence for more than one god, be the second one satan, or some thing else entirely is a battle which would take far to long to go into here. lets just say that two gods fighting donesn’t make a whole lot of sence, if makes much more sence that there are far more than two gods, or that there aren’t any at all and all of this is but a luckly chance.

but it’s only when opionions on gay marriage or lesbians come up that she gets really nuts 

I just can’t wait for the oporutinity to get out of here.  It’s not so much the city thats getting to me, it’s my living situation, the fact the my folks live here means I can’t live within a thousand miles of here.

and as luck would have it, I won’t be.  even if I get the job with the FSA or the interior sercive, or even if I stay with the IRS. I won’t be anywhere near her. and I can’t wait. I just can’t move anywhere on a path between here and new york, cause she goes there every year. I won’t have room to have them stay with me in fayetville, not in my four bedroom house on 1 acre of land, I just wouldn’t know where to fit them, nope they will have to stay at a motel.  hopefuly accross town. and I’ll be out sailing the weekend they vist. (my dad’s gotten on my case about sailing, “it’s not safe, you’ve lost two grandparents and an uncle to sailing.” to which i said dirving a car is by far the most dangerous activity a human can get invlode in (not actually ture, by a long shot) and you didn’t have a problem with that. what the hell is wrong with me getting a hobbie cat and sailing it around the coast?

my dad is very anti boat, I don’t really know why, but he wouldn’t let me go on rafting trips, he wasn’t really ok with me takeing sailing lessons, wake boarding lessions, sailboarding leasions, he was sort of ok with me taking water sking leasons, but that was it. when he found out about the trip I took when I was fourteen the canoe trip along the colorado he was so pissed, my parnets nearly got divorced oer that.  “we when’t through rapids, probably class three white water (meaning just enough that you could see white water) in a canoe”

I can’t wait to get the hell away from them.

Even over this summer, when the rains would fall on a regular basis, I wasn’t anywhere near happy. And I’m pretty sure it’s because of her. I should have been relaitively happy, their was mosture in the air, the weather wasn’t to hot, and yet still, pretty much all summer I was in my room on my computer instead of out enjoneing it. just because the act of going out side would invole loads of questions, which I didn’t want to answer, though simple enongh “I’m going for a bike ride, I don’t know when I’ll be home (though it would be a mircile if I’m out more than three hours because I can’t find another bike path to connect to and even at my slowest pace I could ride it all, some of it twice in three hours), no I don’t care if there is dinner for me (I haven’t eaten the crap you call dinner in years, coming up of ten years now) yes I’ll try to be safe, (even through it’s not out of any desire to stay alive, it’s from the abolute lack of anything entertaining of the bike path, and the fact that suburban drivers are homicidal)”

I so can’t wait for anything else.

NP: ranirer maria, tinfoil.

 

be still my heart, engine turning over, won’t you start?

I don’t know why I was so  happy over this weekend, but I was, estaticly happy, the weather was good, and though I didn’t actually do anything save for taken my dogs out to the boulder res, I was really happy to be doing it.  The drive over was amazing. I took 287 up to lookout road and lookout road right to the res, drving up lookout road was great, it’s one of those roads that goes up and down as it passes throught the fields of corn and wheat, and at times you can’t see the sprawling mertopilis sounding us, just me and my dogs and a shit load of wheat, off in the distance you could see the foothills rising up over the landscape and rain falling somewhat to the north. it was beatuful. 

and then at the res, the back side where they allow dogs, there weren’t any cops driving around (I’ve seen them before, nothing to ruin a good walk than being run off of the trail by a black police suv) it was nice and friendly, the people actually wanting to know what kind of dogs these are and so on, more friendly than I’ve seen people in the denver area be on a regular basis ever before, and to tell the truth, a tinsy bit annoying as well, I had my headphones on and was trying to listen to music… but not that big of a deal becuase there wasn’t anyone around comparied to usual.   and here is the kicker, when we got back home, the dogs just passed out from exhution i gess. 

but i still haven’t worked on my car, and it’s getting close to the date when I have to, the tags expired last month, so I really need to get a proper exhuast system on there and some how change the idle point of the motor, fix what ever is making it idle at 1500.  and then once It’s passed emissions i need to get a fueul injector set up on it. I don’t want to have to waste entire cans of starting fluid on it again this winter.  not to mention the spring that i’ve spent two days trying to cut off of the car and finally just said screw it and left it three quarters of before driving to grand juction.

and my guess would be that I will need it to start when it gets cold out again this winter, I’ve been interviewed for 5 jobs all in places it’s too cold during the winter. bend or, seattle, medford or, glennwood springs co, and somewhere else.  not a single job where it’s nice year round yet. god I hope one of them calls soon, I don’t know how much more crap I can put up with at work, and it’s getting mighty trieing living here with my fam.

 

NP: mirah, engine heart

another Marxist celebration, this time with pipes instead of guns

I’ve been wondering what up with peoples dress lately.  I mean people from prior eras are fine with they clinging to dress standards from a bygone era, but one of the guys I was working with said something like “lets be serious, which would you rather work with my in my dress slacks and buttoned down long sleeve shirt, or you in your t-shirt and jean shorts?” I replied that i’d rather work with the guy who looked comfortable. 

he took great offense to this.  and I’m not really sure why.  I mean to quote Steinbeck, “you’ve got to be pretty rich to dress as poorly as you do”  the people with enough money to do what they want, even back in the forties and fifties dresses as through they didn’t care about it.  can we, as a society have gotten more anal?

so anyway this guy, who was greatly offended by my comment, stated that he was quite comfortable in St. loius in the summer in his dress slacks and long sleeve shirt.  which i find a little bit ridiculous. A long sleeve shirt comfortable?

I don’t really see any reason for long sleeve shirts to exist.   I can kind of see the point if you are out gathering hay or some sort of outdoor activities where you are going to cut up your arms if you don’t have something covering you arms (I’ll take the scrapes over the pain of the additional heat kept in by a long sleeve shirt, but that may just be me) but what point could they have in the outside world? I mean if it’s cold enough to wear a long sleeve shirt, chances are It’s cold enough to wear a actual jacket or coat.

and it’s not like when you get inside it’s going to be cold enough that you will need the extra layers, it’s liable to be hotter that you are comfortable with inside. 

np: built to spill,  still flat

 (god I need a new job, I’ve redacted to posting coments on the weather in my blog, please, anything!)

he said he wanted me to move, but that just won’t do

you know what’s a little wierd, the last four times I have driven on I70 west on denver, I’ve seen four different acciedents take place.

oddly enough they were on two of the trips. 

I drove out to cali without incident, but on the return trip, an exploder pulling a trailer jackknifed and bassically blew up. the expolder was ok, but there was nothing left of the trailer. it’s wierd how at like thirty five, a thousnad pounds of thin plywood can total a car,  but they got it slowed way way down before it flipped and everyone was out of the car by the time I was going past, as you can imagne traffic came to a stop.  but it’s also wierd how a suv can be pretty much crushed by rolling over once. it wasn’t at speed or anything, I’m pretty damm sure that no more wieght than that of tehe vicle it self was pressing down upon it… I thought that back in the eightes the passed a law that a vehicle had to be able to support it’s own wieght. but anyway, eveyone was ok in that.

in the next two,  they happed just yesterday, the first was a large turck.  i’m not really sure what kind, or what kind of accident it had. but it was pouring down rain and the highway was flooded, rivers of water (by co standards) flowing accross the highway. an if you aren’t paying attention, really close and good attention, you can easily get caught out by one of these. if just one of your front wheels gets caught by one of them, and you don’t handle it right, you are going off the road. 

so anyway, I saw a large truck of some sort, (did I mention it was pouring down buckets of rain?) but it’s tail lights were to me, and it was big, seeing as how that secone of road has a barier that’s taller than my car, and I was able to see it’s taillights.  and then just before I pass it, I see a cheap hatchback flying through the air.  I think it was a toyota yaris., but i only saw  it for a fraction of a second, it was turning towards me, nose down, as it had hit the same patch of road that had causd the first accident, and then it went below the sight line and into the front of whatever truck was stoped going the wrong dircetion in the fast lane of I70. then some parts flew over the barrier.

 the fourth and final accdeint happen just a mile from those two, I’m not really sure what happened, but a car some distance in front of me spun, I don’t know why, as I was going threw that same section faster and on wider tires and I didn’t have any problems, he wound up facing traffic in the left lane, maybe a 1/8 of a mile in front of me.  Could i have stopped? yes, but before i even opened my door I would have been rear ended, so i pulled off the road te first place i found that was safe, and proceded to try to make a call to 911.  only problem? I didn’t have a clue where I was, and B my I-phone didn’t have a signal. 

there are loads of things I love about my I-phone, the abilty to receive email all the time, the abitly to receive internet acces pretty much everywhere,  the albity to get me a porn moive at 2am because I just can’t get to sleep even though I’ve been laying in the motel bedroom for three fucking hours. yea, those are things I like about my I phone.  the things i don’t like are all AT&T.  or else their coverage. I never had any problems with my old phone dropping callls, and yet now, wiht a cell phone tower in sight, standing in te middle of a field, it drops the call.

so anyway, After trying a couple of times, and getting no reposne, I give up,  figering in the five min I was trying to call them they would have figured it out by then. 

the interview, the very reason I was in grand juction for the night? I think it went really well. the only thing is he might not hierd me as I scored better than him on the IEA, so he might figure I got that job (god i hope I do) why should he figure on giving me a differing one?

 

NP: that dog, minneapolis

I love to dream, right between the sound machine

I’m woundering if i should take this job up in bend if I’m offered it. it’s with the tax payers avocdic office, so there is the bonus that I won’t be screwing tax payers out of money they don’t owe us anymore. that alone is worth a couple of bucks an hour.  but bend oregon? it get’s less rain than colorado.  as if that were possible.  14.6/year down to 13.o/year in bend, and a good portion of that is snow! I don’t like snow.

but given the oportunities i’ve been offered in the past year? I think I’d better take it.  it’s a GS 07 position, vs my current positon at GS-06 (finally) and it offers promotion to the GS-09 level. 

plus It offeres cheap living, I can buy a house for less than 150K with an acere of land:) that sounds good to me. 

that’s all I really want, a decent job (where it’s not my job to screw people out of money/bennifits)  and a decent enough rate of pay to aford a decent place somewhere I can take my dogs out after work. it would be nice if it would rain there once in a while, but that’s really just a bonus:)

 

NP:  Steppanwolf, magic carpet ride

over and out now, over and out now, that’s what you said

So I don’t really know what’s up with my job search, i had an interview with the social security administration today, and it was depressing.  I hope it didn’t show that much, but I know it did. it would be a grade five step two, which would be a bit of a demotion from my current job, but I would have the pleasure of telling maybe 10% of the calleds that we had aproved them for benfifits, vs now maybe 98% of the calls are can you full pay today?  but then again we are talking about a roughly 2K pay cut from what i make as of today.

but that other 90% are much much worse,  I mean for the really desitute, all we can take from them is 15% of their social secuitry benifts.  for the really destitute amoung the SSA recipients all we can take from them would be their only bennifit they have comeing to them. 

I don’t know that even if I offered the job, if i’ll take it. 

but i might, just so as I can get out of here.  It’s not so depressing now, the rain comes nearly every day, so pretty much everything stays green. but in a normal year, everthing would already be dead. and we’d have to wait for aonter 9-11 months till it grew back. 

and te job is in new mexico so that’s definaily a huge plus. down in ablreuue or how every the hell you spell it, 8K form the government would be a huge bonus on buying a house (as reenforced by the reaction of the people i was interviewing with today)

but i’ve got high hopes for the test I’m signed up to take on thurs. It’s the imigartion and enforcement agent test, which should be the same as the boradder partol, test I took earily, I got a 95, and the IEA doesn’t have the math secsions which I blew, cuase I don’t know my math mathichs times tables.

But I’ve still got hope for the futrue so there is that…

 

NP: 764-hero – sick of appogizinging

“I’m sick of appogizing when I don’t know what I said, whne I don’t know what I did”

I screwed her and she screwed me, but we never once had sex

god i hate it when you emal someone and you don’t get anythig in responce, no thanks but try again, nor a positive responce, but instead nothing. 

I mean i can see prefectly if someones not intested, i can under stand, but to just ignore them? that’s just rude. 

but then again, how long should one wait?

NP:built to spill, joyride/girl

“i knew i’d find a nice girl someday, find a nice girl settle down, someone i can talk to, someone i don’t have to talk to, someone who would give me time and give me space and take it all away.”