we all hide a diary, beneath some mattress

So I called up m. and went to see a movie this weekend.  we saw “my name is bruce” staring bruce campbell, before he got huge in tv as the spy’s best friend on burn notice.

and one of the topics that came up was p., he got married about a year ago, to a girl who is apprently pretty good to him, they are expeceting their first born sometime ~round about now.  and at the wedding we were our usual selfs, k. was drunk off his ass, his girl friend was anoyed with him, s. was also getting trashed, his girl friend was right along behind them.  micah was as queit as a mouse, and I was trying to tag along with k. and s. while staying sober enough to drive home (a delicate balance, I always had to have a drink in my hand, but I couldn’t actually drink from it)

and then there was p., his moment of glory, and to tell the turth he’s the only one who is in anyway normal.  he’s  about to turn 30, he’s getting married, to a beatuiful woman, who’s name escapes me.  she even turned out to be a whole lot more punk than the wedding would have suggested, m. saw then at a moive a couple of weeks later and he didn’t recogize her, she had a noise ring and so on. 

and for the rest of us, life really hasn’t turned out anything like we would have liked it to.  m.’s still living with his parents, and he’s happy about it.  the highlights of his life since we saw each other last, well he went to see a moive with p., and he went to see one with his mom.

k.’s probablly still drunk or high off of whatever.  I still can’t imagne him not getting a job out in hollywood if he’d just go there. I mean after hanging out for one night there at e.”s bachlor party, there are far far more talentless hacks making six figures+ than you could ever imange and k. had some talent.  but all he ever gave it a go off, was going and living in new york for six months and staying in his friends apartment, not going out and trying to get a job.  that may work for woody allen, but name me another film maker from new york, and not like arty film makers, but B moive type stuff, porno and the like. at least he had a real job the last time I talked with him, but it still wasn’t what he wanted to do.

S. was surpizingly not to stoned the last time i saw him, at the wedding, but he was every bit as drunk as k, and it frakly treifyed me to think that i was driving home at the same time, he was a horrid driver sober, and being stoned or drunk didn’t improve his driving. he was well on his way to becomeing a brach manager for a local bank.  he was going to get his mba, at company expsense, proving that once again d’s get degrees (i’m kidding, s., I know you carried a c average) and was well on his way in the corperate world. but he was living with his girlfriend, at his parents house.  i don’t think i have ever seen s sober since back in high school.  I did nearly see him get a dui, but for the fact that we were right behind the cop who was going to pull him over. 

I don’t know what ever happened to big m., I haven’t really seen him since i took him to see herny rollins downtown, he claimed he’d pay me back for the tickets, and I never saw him again. I don’t care about the thirty, or sixty or whatever dollar amount it was.  I wounder what happened to him, he was an enignering student at metro but then he dropped out ever so often, he’d start up with a underaged girl and just quit going to class, and hang out with her all day every day. it’s cool when you are like 19 to hit on 17 year olds, but by the time you hit 24? that’s kind of scary. he was getting pretty good grades till he’d drop out too. of all my high school friends i think i miss him the most. he was the smartest and had the most potential to be wasted. 

then there was c.  I never really knew c that well, but i do know that in those years when I lost all of my friends to Everquest, he got nicked for selling shit on ebay and then not sending it. he paid for a late model 300ZX by doing it.  it wasn’t the turbo model though. he went to japan with like ten grand, and blew it all in less than a week.  I don’t know but I suspect he blew it all on hookers.  cause I mean how else can you go though ten grand that fast? I mean he liked drugs, but not that much and i hear they’re kind of hard to get a hold of for a froinger, and that’s an awfully lot of pocky for a skiny guy.

and there is me.  I have failed to find anyone to fall in love with, through I’ve had a few close calls, and I still live here with my folks.  I don’t really have anything to show for it, a few grand in the bank, a few more saved up for retirement, a old car (by choice), not even a motor cycle any more. sure i’ve got my dogs, but it’s not like i do anything for them but walk them a couple of miles, a few more on the weekends.   

I don’t know why I haven’t found anyone who I’d be willing to marry, hell it’s likly i won’t even ask, for a second date anymore.  I just seem so very different from all of the girls i’ve met lately.   I mean “denver just seems so small” I drove twenty miles to get here, and I only live on the north end of town and you are downtown.  but that’s not what she meant. she meant culturally small. and she was right.  but in so far as the “big city” feel, they are nice to vist, but I’ve been there, I don’t really want to go back.  i’ve sen a play on boradway, seen a off-boradway opera, in itialian. I don’t really want to see another.  I’ve eaten fresh chinese food at five am, it’s nice, but I’ve also sat in traffic for eight hours going through the city, it’s not worth it to me.

I hate the way it takes me longer to get home at rush hour than it normally takes me, cause I know I was going a shit load faster during rush hour, but I was also sitting not moveing for a good ten minuetes of that. and that’s in denver.  i like the fact that in you are traveling during rush hour you can actually be some what close to the time you’d get there in your own car, (vs the bus leaves the station at the same time as i get home with my current hours) but I hate the fact that there is standing room only, and that’s if you are lucky. and though that should be a prefect time to meet someone, I hopelessly fail because i’m already pissed off at the bus and everything in general to make small talk or even pretend to smile. partly it’s that i also hate my job. 

i really need to find something else to do with my time. I’ve got enough money saved up to just take a couple of months off and drive around the country. maybe I will once it cools off a bit. 

I wounder if i’ll every find someone?

 

NP: cursive, making friends and aquantainces

when god banished lilth from the garden, he gave us eve, he gave us steam, so trains can climb up every mountain, but never have they, or set me free

So, I’m sitting here, still baked from the sun.  It wasn’t that hot out today, maybe 93F? but it felt stiffingly hot. like there was so much humidity in the air.  officially there wasn’t though.  but when I was out on my bike, sweat was pouring off of me.  and again I’m not really sure why.  with the humidity were it was, it should have been drying off as quick as it was coming off, I should have been coated in salt.  (with the possible exp. of my hair, it doesn’t let the air in and always ends up wet)  and yet even on the res, right downwind of it, it was still just as hot, and just as sticky.  I road down by the outlet,  where the water was spalshing into the air,  but didn’t get wet, I was already pretty much soaked.  So I rode towards home, relizing that I was now out of water.  20 oz should be just right for a ~25 mile ride in the summer, it has been in the past, the only times I’ve come anywhere near running out where basically when I got a mile from home.  This time I was a good six miles from home. I mean it’s not like it’s a big deal to turn towards home,  but it was still rather amazing. 

other news, I went out on a date yesterday.  and I don’t think I’ve ever gone out with someone less apporpiate.  I mean the only things we had in common was we both have dogs,  and we both have i-phones.  that’s about it.  (I don’t like my i-phone, the service is alright, but the randomly dropping calls? no thanks and the battery life is kind of scary, I don’t want to risk using it as a ipod, two calls and checking my emails once and the battery is half drained?) 

so anyway on to what makes me so very different, she wants to live in new york.  I want to have lived in new york.  I want to say yep I lived there, but have no actual desire to actually do it. I want to live somewhere like the town in state and main. a town where there isn’t a cop on every conner, there isn’t a park ranger for every person out on the trails. somewhere much smaller. conversly a place like new york wouldn’t be all that bad, in compairison to broomfield, or hevaen forbid, boulder now a days. (I don’t know why, but it sucked the last couple of times I drove trough town, traffic was backed up from regent all the way a cross town, at noon on a sunday, and there wasn’t anywhere to park anywhere near the bike stores alongthe mall)

I just really hope I get a job somewhere else. I’m so sick of this town.

you can place your faith in god, but no one knows his plan, you can place your faith in your brother, but he may fail.  so I’m waiting for that sunday train, place my faith in the southern line.   she may not be on time, but she will come, she once was a proud one, streached from sea to shining sea, she may not take you everywhere you want to go, but where you need to be, she agree.

Sunday train, cracker.

it’s hard to be a passenger for me, you know I’m always looking down

I’ve been wondering what the hell am i doing lately. 

I mean if i do get my dream job in lumpkin Georgia or where ever. how the hell am I going to find the girl of my dreams, or even the girl of my distant actarction? Cause now that I’m thirty, I’m not so very picky:) but still, if ~27 years in boulder/denver haven’t produced anyone, what’s the hope for me in medford or? 

I mean going from a metropolis of some ~2.5 million people to a town ~50K?  what chance in hell do I have? 

but then again, for some reason, I haven’t been able to find my sorts of people here. my friends where more likely to say hey lets smoke up than they were to say hey lets go camping.  for that matter, the number of friend I have gone camping with, two of my current friends.  and one of those stopped talking to me back ~9 months ago.  the firend I had who where into that sort of thing were way to much into it, like bolous who quit school to become a pro rock climber, upon his learning what pro rock climbers made, he took the GED and when back to school supposedly. or  jimmy who was a pretty smart guy, but decided he didn’t want to go to school, so instead he joined up with the coast guard and whent heli skiing and heli biking every day he wasn’t on duty.  (he was stationed up in aslaka before 9/11. 

I don’t know what the hell it is, I say I like camping, but no one I meet does, ryan, one of my oldest friends says camping is dirty, same for his brother, mike who I would have said was my best friend before he set off to Korea all those years ago. 

kepa liked going camping, but he was far more likely to say maybe next weekend, and then when he finally got around to it, some six weeks later, he would forget to let you know about it.  kepa was really sad, the last time i saw him was at pat’s wedding, it wasn’t formal or anything, but most of us had the sense to at least clean our clothes before going. kepa, not so much. it was really pretty sad. even his stripper girlfriend had the seance to get dressed up.  and then he goes and drains the bar.  oh well.  (but then again keppa would feel compeled to point out he had a stripper girl friend, and I had, well… and he was right)

I just want to be outside, pretty much all the time, I want good Friends around, but fat chance of that, just a little, say, ten acres to call my own. a job that doesn’t so suck, and a good woman nearby. 

Is that so much to ask? 

some nice roads near by wouldn’t hurt either, and a pool;)

NP jets to Brazil, air traffic control.

I screwed her and she screwed me, but we never once had sex

god i hate it when you emal someone and you don’t get anythig in responce, no thanks but try again, nor a positive responce, but instead nothing. 

I mean i can see prefectly if someones not intested, i can under stand, but to just ignore them? that’s just rude. 

but then again, how long should one wait?

NP:built to spill, joyride/girl

“i knew i’d find a nice girl someday, find a nice girl settle down, someone i can talk to, someone i don’t have to talk to, someone who would give me time and give me space and take it all away.”

in 24 hours they’ll be Laying flowers On my life, it’s over tonight

Ok so this dream i had, i was on a road trip somewhere, i don’t know where, i’m going to guess it was a wedding since i’ve got a couple of those comeing up this summer.

and anyway, I’m with two other guys, guys i don’t know, but in the dream, i did.  one is a rich guy, the other two of us, are well not rich.  but we are still good friendss.  so we are on our way through the desert, think closer to ya mama tambin than the american desert, there are trees and green stuff growning amoungst the sand.  and we are relaxing outside a gas station, just drinking some pop, the weathy guy is inside in the bathroom.  we are just talking about how it is always the rich guys, the good looking guys who get the girls,  and up rides this beatiful girlson a harly, a nbaby blue classic style harly, (i have doubt’s if they’ve made anything like this in the last fifty years) and it’s white with baby blue accents, prefectly restored, white wall tires, the whole nine yards, but it’s covered in dust.  and the girl riding it is dressed in white leather, the fringy stort a half face hemelt, and she beatiful (naturally, does anyone dream of ugly girls? or men for that matter?) 

and of course anyone who can get a harly accross the desertm, an old one, before they where fashon accsoriyes the where unrelable pieces of crap, desvers my respect. plus she’s incredible.  so i’m staring at her, as is my friend.  so anyway she pulls into the gas station, takes off her hemelt, and she’s even better looking, long black hair, latino looking complextion, like selma hayack but with straight hair, streaching about halfway down her back.  and thats the moment that the other of my friends comes out of the bathroom, ands says get up off of your asses, we have to be —- in two days.  just then he sees this girl, and then says wait here, i may be back. and goes over to talk to her,  she wastes no time in telling him off.  and he;s left standing there , mean while we are siting on the curb watching him, and my friend has the keys to the clunker we are driving, he’s so pissed when it’s locked.  my friend and i just kind of look over at  eac other and smile, it’s been on of those kind of trips we get up and walk over to the car, and i get in the back, i state to the woman “sorry about my friend, mam” and tip my hat, then we drive off.  

and that’s when i woke up.. 

NP:jem, 24

all of the damms will give, at the end, at the end of the world, will you swim for me?

So there is this girl i’ve been going out with for a couple of weeks.   i met her online, and she seems nice and everthing,

but there in may lie the problem, we’ve only gone out  four times, once to walk around denver, once to see a movie, and twice to watch a video at her place.  I know, far from entertaining dates, but she agreed to my idea of meeting at coffee shop,  so i’ve gone along with her ideas for watching movies and so on. 

and she has really crappy taste in movies, (and books i think, i’ve never read any james patterson, but then she has never read any hemingway or stienbeck) but when we get wanted and a cartoon about robots in love in the future, and the cartoon is much more believable? (it was wall-e, my suggestion) and the movie we went to see at the theater? four xmases.  it was horrible.  but she accepted the movie i wanted to see, nausica of the valley of the wind (a miziaki movie, it was playing at the esquire at midnight, unfourtunataly dubbed into english, it wasn’t bad except for captain picard) but she went and claims to have had a good time.  I mean that’s worth a load of horrible movies.  

but here’s the problem, I don’t think she’s attracted to me in the least, and it’s not totally her fault.  I’m not all that attracted to her either.  I mean she’s plenty hot, though far from a model, the type of girl i usually find really hot.  but not really in this case.  but that’s ok, i can work around it.  I mean she didn’t mind seeing a miziaki movie, even seemed to enjoy it,  but here’s the problem, wehen we were watching wall-e, a movie about a robot who falls in love, his whole disire in the world is to hold hands with the “girl” robot he meets,  so we are sitting on her couch, and i carelessly let my hand fall to the ocuch next to her, and there it sits, so i tried again, i carelessly put my arm up, the coventional date movie for high school kids, or maybe it’s juinor high school kids these days? but anyway, she moves away.  so anyway, i left and wrote her back that we should get together on new years, and we did, she took a pass on my suggestion that we take our dogs out, instead saying lets get a movie and some take out once again, this time i got to pick the movie, let me tell you there isn’t much in blockbuster’s new arivals section, but i saw iron man, and she said she really wanted to see it, (it was an increbible dissapointment)  and again she was a cold as a cuecumber, staying under her blanket the whole time. 

so anyway,  i decided that i was going to wait for her to write me if she wanted anything more out of me, that was almost a week ago. and she hasn’t written me, called me or anything, am i right to just say oh well?   cause i’ve been really wanting to just say wft, and move on, but something has keep me from moving on.  and i don’t know what it is.

I’m not even sure what i saw in her from the begining, she has a dog (cool) but it’s not a real dog,  (just a toy), she’s never seen the occean, never traveled anywhere execpt to colorado, from illionios.  she drives a chevy tracker, for gods sake (though it doesn’t feel like a death trap oddly enough, probably because it’s loaded up with sound dedening, it’s a 98) she doesn’t even know how to swim, i wasn’t aware that it was even possible for a child to grow up in america with out knowing how to swim in this day and age.  i mean really what the hell did i see there?

 

NP: rainer maria, Catastrophe

but i’ve got a plan, i’m gonna find you, at the end…, of the world, at the end of the world,,

tell me all the things that i want to hear, cause it’s true, that’s what i like about you

So i got a puppy.  His name is milo.  he’s a giant Schnauzer mix, supposedly about a year and a half.  I don’t buy it, he weighs in at only 53 lbs, he’s a good three inches shorter than wille. and he’s a puppy, he’s still teething, not to mention his paws are much to big for his body.  he seems pretty smart to, he supposedly figured out multiple ways threw a barrier i set up to keep him upstairs. so i’m pretty stoked about having him, though willie isn’t all that found of him yet.

So my date went well, and she wants to go out again, this weekend, any ideas on where to go? I’m sort of thinking about going for a hike, but i doubt the weather will couperate, we’ve got about six inchs of snow since 4 pm, and earlier it was nice enough that i was tempted to ride to work… so i’m sort of thinking hiking will be out.

 

NP: The kinks that’s what i like about you

hope you really burn in the selfish flame, and maybe, one day you’ll feel the same

so i’ve been thinking it’s about time for another installment of matts fantasy garage.

now this serise it cars i would love to one day own, car’s which are for the most part conceivable that i could own one day, with some exceptions, the porcshe i highly doubt i’ll ever be foolish enough to spend some ~1million dollars on a car, maybe if i win the powerball, but otherwise…  but it’s no unreasonalbe to spend ~50k on a benz convertible or some 15k on a station wagon. 

which brings me to my next car, a 1987-1991 honda civic si.  or more ideally a non si civic hatchback,  so it doesn’t have the sunroof.  but anyway, take one of those, put in a ~200hp motor, say a B16 out of a later del sole massaged over a bit,  a higher redline, no nitous or turbo though, i’m not after exterme power after all. a six speed if i could find one that would bolt up, but keep the excelent honda cable shifter.  upgraded brakes definitly, as i don’t rember the honda ones being all  that great when dealing with the stock ~90hp, so doubling that will require some more brakeing power.  upgraded wheels and tires, but not to sticky, cause what i remeber most about the one i drove was it was so easily tossible, it was easy to toss into corners and easy to recover, i don’t want to lose that.

“it’s much more fun to drive a slow car fast than it is to drive a fast car slow”  that’s a tenant i believe in, though i don’t always live by it, it’s compeltatly ture.  a car that you can slide around corners at legal speeds will always be more fun than a track ready car in day to day driveing,  and that’s what’s my goal for this car.  i’d stirp out the intior a bit, nice comforatable buckets, say some sperco xl’s, a nice padded cage, but basically i’d keep it pretty minimally modifyed,  coilovers set at nearly stock hight, no body mods save for maybe a jdm spolier/spilter.  and paint the whole thing, say a nice shade of teal green. 

it would be an excelent runabout, get around about 35mpg, and the whole thing wouldn’t cost more than ~10 grand at the most. it would have enough room for my dog and camping gear in the back, plus that one other person in the seat next to me,  and with the freshend engine/ roll cage it should last a couple of hundred thousand miles with out need for any work at all except general mantainice.  plus no turbo=no cool down period:) though it would prodable be pretty high comp, to get the power up to 200HP, so i’d still have to keep an eye on what type of gas i was useing…

in other news, i can’t wait for saturday, i finally have a date:) it feels so good to be actually going out with a girl….

NP: noise addict, spitz

 i can see though you, but i don’t want to, no, i don’t want to see through you

I miss you every night

so this begins my first of ten top ten songs.  this is my personal top ten of all time up to this date, the date being the date at which i finish, so in no particular order here is number 1~10:

lovers, People In Cars Don’t Face Each Other,  which ones of my friends replyed with, and it’s a good thing they don’t!

I drove alone to Buffalo
And scratched a heart around your name
At every rest stop vending machine I passed along the way
(I’d taken speed for days)

I took pictures from the car window
These colored blurs of time
And left them for you by the pay phones
Because I can’t call or write

It’s just been too much time
The road was without winter glow
Just dreary landscape
And the whimper of the radio
And a rubberbanded picture of your face
Around an old mixtape you’d made

I still think I’m going home
I packed my things in crooked lines,
And took a pill nicknamed hope
To change this mood of mine

This awful mood of mine
But I can’t change this mood of mine

Like a mocking dog and pony show
In the backrooms of my mind
Like a swim in the undertow
I can’t see it but I sure feel it alright

I miss you every night.

 

analsis: this is one of those songs that rings true to me, i often can’t get my real feelings out there, because i don’t exaclty know what they are, only after riding alone in my car for a few days, even months after a realtionship has ended, can i really congel my owen feelings about someone,  even if she is living with someone else, and has been for the past year in a different city across the country, it’s taken me that long to get a chance to think about her.  by which time she has, in all rights moved well beyond me.  but for some reason i can’t get her out of my head.

and this came up with the girl who ditched me at that party on satuday.  i already told her that i didn’t really like parties, and she asked me why? what was wrong with me that i didn’t like parties? and i told her the turth, i don’t really like people.  or should that be i really don’t like people? i don’t like them in groups.  i don’t mind them as single people, even in twos and threes i don’t really have a problem with them. but when you start getting larger groups of them together, they start to get on my nerves. 

i supppose thats the real reason i never became a teacher, i didn’t like having to explain myself time and time again.   i mean i could explain it once really good, the second time would be nearly as good, the third time, it woud be pretty crappy the fourth time it would be pretty bad, and by the fith time i would just say, go copy what colin has down…(colin being the cheerleader girl who i was enamored with back in high school and who always came to me for the answers, which were usually righter than the book but not quite right exatly)

but it wasn’t untill after a few long car rides alone, that i realized i really liked her, by which time it was much much to late. 

i mean after visting oregon, i was totally in love with megan, even though she was totally wrong for me, but after the long long drive home, druing which i didn’t get anymore sleep) i wasn’t in love with her anymore, i actually kind of disliked her for having me drive all the way up there only to watch her smoke an 1/2 lb of pot while i was there.  but it took that long car ride back to see that.  yeah she smokes because it’s natural, yeah lighting somthing on fire and sticking it in your mouth is really “natural”  and she thinks shes going to become a doctor, a nerosugon at that.  and you know what, she just may do that, but i certainly wouldn’t want her operating on me.

so anyway, this song holds so ture to me.  I never seem to relize whats right in frount of me, until it’s a few months down the road and i’m actually going down the road.  something about the act of actually going down the road… listening to a mixtape someone put toghter for you, or one you made for someone else… you aren’t activly thinking about them, but they keep poping up in your thoughts….

this is for the people of the sun, it’s comeing back around again

you know whats depressing? going to a party with a bunch of blind people.  I mean parties are depressing enough on their owen, but when you add in the fact that most of the people there can’t see? i mean talk about depressing.  i mean dale was cool enough though he was drinking as much as ryan used to at his parties (ryan used to drink to the point of oblivion every night, it was just occasioally he’d invite a few of us over to help him along) but who an i to judge?  but the other people who where there, i was inroduced to them all, but i don’t remeber there names, pretty much everyone there was blind and drunk of of there ass.  to the point where they would go around hugging everyone, weathor on not they wanted to be huged (i managed to avoid this) but huggin people and oddly enough not throwing up on them,  but i couldn’t say anything, i mean they were blind,  and to considder what that must do to somone?  i mean i couldn’t consider being blind, that or losing the use of my legs, those are my worst dreams, those are the ones where it’s worse than the dreams where i die. 

so anyway, the party sort of sucked, the girl i was supposed to see there never showed up, no surpise there. (girls it’s ok, if you are a bit late, a few minuetes no problem (though it gets annoying after a while, just strieght out it’s cool, i mean hell i was planning for it)  but if you don’t bother showing up at all? screw you. i don’t care how how you are.  but it was good to hang out whie some people from work. ryan jones (not the ryan jones i know) frank, de… the blind guy who’s kind of a ass, and of course dale. 

but the other people there, were a little scary.  or maybe it’s just that i’ve never been around anyone who’s blind before.  these weren’t people with dogs, these were just drunk people.  really drunk people. who happened to be blind.

but anyway, i’m planning on moving out come the new year.  since i didn’t get the job with the irs, and the job i wanted has been postponed pretty much indefinitlay, i might as well sette into my fate here right? or maybe i should just put a cap in my ass?  naw i’m not sure my ass is worth a cap right now:)

so in that spirt, i’m join match.com, mostly just to see who in the hell would email me without a pic, 

and another question, why is it that i find it so easy to read crap ficton? as compared to “good” fiction? i’m just courios, seeing as how i made it through some 40p of that russian novel, over the course of a week, before tradeing it in for some american vampire slayer novel, and  my lastest trail has come by way of howard zinns, the peoples history of the untied states of america, lasted only thrity pages before i happened upon a book in the lobby of my bulding, a book which came highly recomened, but as a crap book, that’s right i somehow picted up a copy of eat pray love, and you know what? i haven’t had any problems reading a hudered pages into it, over the course of two days, i spent three days to get thrity pages into the prior book, and that was only with my desision that i wouldn’t pick up another book till i made it through at least half of it…..  why is it i’m much more willing to read pretty crappy books lately than i am to slog through a good book?  i mean i’m still compealty willing to go through a good book, but it has to be really good, like hemingway or stienbeck. 

np:rage against the machine, people of the sun. (a record ep, which i’m so proud to have finally gotten around to getting a record player/mp3 recorder)